A Trip to IKEA
by QuiteQuiet
Summary: An exceptionally destructive battle leads Team RWBY inside a scary, scary place. Team CDNL arrives with the same mission. The fury of their previous fight simmers into quiet but prominent tension as they divide the work and race to finish their Shopping List.
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note: Looks like that initial Bumblebee story wasn't enough. This was actually my first idea for a **_**RWBY_ fanfiction, but I ended up getting sidetracked by shorter, other things. _**

**_This isn't going to be a terribly long story. And I'm still working out the characters and general universe. Hope you like it nonetheless._**

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><p>They stood outside totally clueless. Team RWBY had been sent on a mission, and gazed upon the site they were meant to conquer.<p>

"Do you really think people have died in there?" asked Yang.

"Of course not," said Weiss, though she sounded uneasy. "If that were the case they'dve been sued a long time ago." She shook her head in a final decisive movement.

"I wouldn't count on your heiress status in this place, Weiss," said Yang. She groped the empty space in front of her. "When you walk inside, you're just like everyone else. Blind, stumbling for the right path, and praying you don't lose your way…"

"It can't be any worse than Wal-Mart," said Blake. "I heard they lock their employees in during inventory so no one can escape."

"The time for fear-mongering is over!" Ruby announced. The leader jumped to the front, marching with a posture that demanded attention. "We have been sent by Professor Ozpin to gather an assembly of items to replace those lost in the war today."

"You're the one who thought it was a good idea to take CRDL's bait for a less-than-friendly scuffle," said Blake.

"It was to protect our honor!" Ruby threw a fist down. "But now the honor of our school has been compromised by our breaking various furniture beyond repair. To fix the shame we have brought upon Beacon Academy, we must replace them before falling to the administration's feet and begging for mercy!" She pulled a scroll from her pocket and shifted her fingers to its very tip, letting it unravel into a list that dangled inches from the sidewalk.

"It's official," said Yang. "We're gonna be in debt for a month."

"This is the reference for our mission," said Ruby. She pointed without direction behind them. "We must gather everything today and then use Yang's motorcycle to drag it back to campus!"

"Hey, you got that crazy-long list too?" someone called.

They looked back. Four boys were loping up the parking lot to meet them.

Ruby's eyes narrowed. "Cardin."

The group stopped a few feet away, Cardin out their paper. "Can you believe this is the damage we ended up doing?" he said. "I didn't realize cutting off a strand of blondie's hair would cause such a huge disaster."

"Yang didn't cause _all_ the damage," said Blake.

"Enough so that you guys have to be part of this scavenger hunt too." Cardin sounded amused. "And, given the ridiculously long amount of items we have to find, the boys and I were wondering about coming to a compromise."

"We were?" said Sky.

"Sure." Cardin produced a letter opener from his jacket and with a quick twist sheared his list in half. "We propose"—he held out the removed piece—"that we take the trip half-and-half. Saves money, saves time."

Weiss snatched the paper and looked at it. They had the exact same list.

"As a loyal student to the academy, I accept your offer!" said Ruby.

"Zero consultation, huh?" said Yang with a dark look at Russel.

"Yang. We're both paying for our misdeeds." Ruby turned to her. "We should handle the punishment with grace and conscience. To divide the work evenly among our earlier rivals would foster cooperation and acceptance, and leave more in our wallets when it's over!"

"Does she always talk like this?" asked Dove as Ruby raised her fist.

"Only when she's in her leader mode," explained Weiss.

"Well, the longer we wait the longer it'll take before we can haul everything back." Cardin jammed his hands in his pockets. "You wouldn't want to travel bogged down with a heap of stuff in the dark, would you? Unless you gave the blond one another impromptu haircut." He nodded at Yang.

"We can manage without sparking her rage," said Blake as Yang's wrists literally burst into flame.

Cardin put his hands up. "Just kidding. I've seen her in battle. She's a feisty little berserker." He stood on the steps above them and motioned to his friends. "That should be in the electronics department," he said when they came over, pointing to something on the list.

"We're not letting them get by so smugly," said Weiss. "Hey!" she called, making them look up. "Want to make a competition out of it?"

"_What_?" said the others, Ruby looking excited.

"You heard me." Weiss was trained on CRDL, standing on a step for authority. "You want to share the list, we should make a contest of it. First one to checkout wins." The boys looked at each other.

"Against us, this might be more of a game," said Russel.

"Challenge accepted, then." Weiss turned to her team. "Rules. First of all, no hyperspeed-running in the store. We're going in as a representation of the academy, and we don't need to shatter the windows blasting off to the end of the aisle."

"We won't if you won't," said Cardin.

"Second, no punching each other out."

"Fine," said Yang, her arms crossed.

"Lastly, just behave in a civil manner. We already got in trouble for fighting at school. We don't need to do it again in a public space."

'We can always count on you for fairness and rationality, Weiss," said Ruby, giving her a salute.

"Are we allowed to split off into groups?" asked Sky before they disappeared inside.

"I don't see why not," said Weiss, returning to the sidewalk. "It's four against four."

"I'll go with Blake," said Yang.

"For the sake of covering more ground, I think I'll take it alone," said Weiss before Ruby could speak.

"But…the team bonding," she ended up protesting.

"Ruby." Weiss stared her directly in the eye. "This is a test of timing, but also a test of strength." She watched the younger girl's face widen as she continued. "To brave IKEA alone is a challenge reserved for the toughest, the mightiest, and the shrewdest. It is not only for the sake of winning, but for the honor of your team that you valiantly pursue the daunting task, and come out of it victorious and with the satisfaction of loyalty to your comrades." Ruby was captivated, leaning in with wonder. Weiss' lips moved again.

"Can you do it?"

"I can do it!" Ruby tore up the stairs toward the store. "Valiance and honor, here I come!" She dodged someone walking out with a couch, then ducked into the jungle. The others watched the automatic doors close.

"Wow," said Yang. "I didn't think that was actually gonna work."

Her arms were still crossed. Weiss looked back with a flick of her hair. "I've learned how to talk to your sister over this past year."

She started up the steps. Blake and Yang looked at each other.

"It's now or never," said Blake.

They all went in.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's Note: Not the longest or most interesting update, but eventually, antics are sure to ensue.**_

_**UPDATE 10/27: Made a few minor sentence changes.**_

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><p>A labyrinth of paths stood ten feet ahead, twisting and turning into the unknown.<p>

"You'd think this was some sort of demented museum, not a department store," said Weiss. She raised the list. "Okay, let's split this." She folded it twice and tore it at the creases. "Here," she said, handing the leaflets to Ruby and Yang. "An even division. We should get it done in half the time."

"Hey, I have to carry all the heavy stuff," said Yang.

Ruby gestured dramatically to the checkout aisle. "In the end we shall meet at register fifteen! Good luck, sisters, and may the blessing of Dust be with you!"

She was gone before they could react. Weiss rolled her eyes and pivoted to the shopping carts. Blake and Yang were left on their own.

Dove shuffled past, a vase in his hand. The girls soldiered forth.

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><p>At first, it was <em>extremely <em>hard to not get distracted.

Ruby had so much fun exploring the wonders before her that it didn't occur to her she could have been lost. It was only when she absentmindedly looked at her hand that she remembered she was on a mission. She set out to find a gargoyle statuette, still giddy at the unfolding sights. Ten minutes later, she was backed into a corner.

"Oh, this is not good." Swamped around her was a selection of giant carpets, hanging from racks and spreading across the floor. "Do we need one? No…but we did destroy those library curtains!" She hurried to the packaged polyester, picking one out. "Curtain down. So far, so good." Her confidence bounced across the air before fading. Suddenly self-conscious, Ruby felt the statuette weighing into her shoulder. But then the words of Weiss echoed through her head…

"_It is not only for the sake of winning, but for the honor of your team that you valiantly pursue the daunting task, and come out of it victorious and with the satisfaction of loyalty to your comrades_."

Ruby shouldered up, setting her sight ahead. This wasn't a solo battle. Breathing in, she marched on for the team.

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><p>Not an hour in and Weiss could have sworn she was walking upside-down.<p>

It wasn't anything she couldn't survive. There had been worse cases in her life, and it wouldn't make any sense for her to succumb to something as idiotically humiliating as an IKEA store. Still, the rumors of death inside the establishment rang through her mind, and she fought to hide the shudders as she went through the aisles.

"All right, three items down, twelve to go," she said, crossing off a stereo from the list. "We did make a mess of things, didn't we? And all across campus…"

She walked by a dark row of kitchens designed for different homes. The careful arrangements made its emptiness eerily distorted. Weiss wondered if meandering through would send her into a horrible dimension of robotic beings and nightmarish landscapes.

"No, you're listening too much to those stupid comics Team JNPR reads." Weiss straightened and pushed the cart forward, fingers trailing over her waist to check for her rapier as she moved in.

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><p>"No, seriously, we might have to hide out in the camping section overnight. Shoo away anyone who tries to take away our tent."<p>

"Yang," Blake moaned. "We haven't even found our first item yet."

"Just saying." They chose a peripheral route, scouting the store borders before pursuing the inevitable. Blake looked over Yang's shoulder to read the list.

"We need a clock."

"One clock, coming right up." Yang plucked one off a shelf and tucked it under her arm. "You know, Russel's lucky he moved in time. I made about a foot's worth of a dent in the wall when I smashed that time-keeper to oblivion."

"Mmhm," said Blake.

"And now we need a bookshelf and a fridge. We'll need to venture deeper to find those."

"Please, I'm not ready for this." Blake rubbed her temples. "Why couldn't they have written the list in a way that made sense?"

"Hey, we'll get through this." Yang patted on her on the back. "We'll find whatever we need that's on the fringes, and then go to the scary stuff."

"Maybe we should find the camping section, just in case." Blake's eyes were red.

"Yeah," said Yang, moving to cuff her around the shoulder. "And then we can set off sparks for Ruby and Weiss. Save them from having to spend the night squeezed up in retail."

"Or the janitor's closet."

"That's the attitude we need. Now come on, let's finish this list." Blake caught up to Yang as she strode ahead. A minute later they passed the restaurant.

"And hey, just think. If things get really bad, we can always ration ourselves off of those Swedish meatballs."

"_Yang_," said Blake.


	3. Chapter 3

Ruby was on top of her game. She had the will. She had the stamina. She had…_no_ idea how she was going to carry all this stuff.

She'd spent the latter half of two minutes staggering across a walkway, trying to balance the items in her arms. The stack measured eight feet above her head, and though determined to win the race, she knew she couldn't go on this way.

She wobbled down the walkway. "Okay…'scuse me," she said to a man who stared at her as she went by. As she rounded the corner, her eyes slid to the shelves. Earlier that morning they'd all taken the fight to administration, bursting through offices and shattering the various framed papers on the walls. This was how they first caught Professor Goodwitch's attention, and her response upon halting them was one certain to lurk in their minds whenever they thought about misbehaving in the future. Goodwitch had repaired the damage in the offices, of course, but not even her magic riding crop could fix the cracks in one of the broken glass frames. She'd written a replacement as the first item on the list, and Ruby knew if she forgot, she was in _big_ trouble.

She reached out an arm and flailed it, trying to get the frame set on the higher shelf. "Oh come on!" she said. "If she can't put her grad school diploma back up, I'm gonna get detention for a month!" She stood on her toes, brushing an inch from the prize, and in the next moment it was plucked off the shelf into the hands of Cardin.

"You needed this?" he said, as Ruby made a strangled cry. Cardin laughed to himself. "Well, it's on your part of the list. Here you go." He wedged the frame into Ruby's pile, right in the middle, and the whole thing started to fall.

"No!" said Ruby in great desperation.

She ran backwards, trying to rein the tower into place. She hit a couch and crashed, buried under the supplies. Cardin snickered and sauntered off.

Ruby emerged from the pile, legs bent over the couch's armrest. "_Ugh_," she said when she looked at the frame.

She checked her surroundings. She was in a large furniture section, and when her eye caught a mahogany wardrobe, the gears started turning.

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><p>Weiss got out of the distorted kitchens, cart stacked with necessities from the trip. She blinked a few times after emerging into the light of day. The store didn't look any less like a maze. In any case, the supplies she'd found were in perfect condition, and certain to please the academy cooks.<p>

"I hope they don't do anything to my food the next time I eat," she said.

She turned into the pottery aisle, unnerved by the thought.

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><p>From far away came the groans of a great beast. It carried across the store, vast and humbling.<p>

Blake and Yang looked up from the lamps. The people around them were puzzled as well, but soon went on with their shopping.

"This place must be crazy if they're not fazed by that," Blake told Yang.

Yang adjusted the bookshelf that was tucked on her shoulder. "I think it's turning away from us," she noted.

The sound grew distant, though it remained ominous. Blake picked up a floor lamp and wrapped its cord around the base, raising it with both hands for protection. They kept walking carefully, on the alert.

"We need a lot of items from this section," said Yang.

Blake turned to the left. The display in front of her was a mess. There were so many different things in this aisle, it was like it had all been thrown together to conceal a dangerous presence. Blake whirled to Yang in fear.

"How do you know the things are in here?"

"Because I can see some of them." She bent down to hoist a subwoofer on her other shoulder. When she got back up Blake was still staring. "Well?" said Yang. "We're going in."

"This is a trap, Yang, I can feel it."

"It is not, Blake, it's miscellany."

"I'm not going in first," said Blake. "Here, I'll take up the rear."

"No," said Yang.

"Fine. Then we can walk side by side."

Yang didn't budge. "Not much room for you to do that, it looks like," she said, tilting her head at the subwoofer. "Besides," she added with a nod, "you could brush up on your leadership skills. Take the initiative, Blake. Be an explorer."

She was blocking the way. Blake frowned, then croaked, then hacked at the air. Yang only gave her a half-lidded expression with a slow smile, and Blake sighed before turning back to face the aisle.

There was a light at the end of it, a light that promised open space, but first they had to get through the miscellany. The longer Blake looked the more she noticed it got narrower near the middle, threatening to suffocate anyone who dared trespass. She spun again and opened her mouth.

The groan came back, traveling somewhere not far away. Blake jumped. She clung onto the lamp and, deciding to swallow the lesser of two evils, led Yang into the aisle.

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><p>Weiss had picked out the best design to go along with the rooms, as always. The plants would look even more impeccable in these pots and vases, thanks to her sense of style.<p>

They were all placed neatly with everything else, room left for the items yet to be found. It was very satisfying, and for the first time in her day Weiss felt a sense of peace. She checked the next line on her list and steered ahead.

The rush came so quickly she though she'd been lifted off her feet. She heard the smack of ceramic being thrown to the floor, and saw Dove and Sky scrambling back up, cackling at what they'd caused. It appeared one of them had _accidentally_ pushed the other, who had fallen right below Weiss's skirt to the heels of her cart. Weiss mulled over the convenience.

They were still laughing, and in her uncertainty for what they might do next, she said the first thing that hit her mind: "You break it, you buy it!"

Dove and Sky choked back their sounds. They ran off, Sky grabbing a lantern as they went. When Weiss was sure they were gone she bent to get the fallen vases.

"None of them are cracked. Well, small miracles," she said, putting them back on the bottom of the cart. She stopped the last one rolling on the floor, and put it by the cart's handle since it was small.

She pondered her words when she returned to the mission. It really wasn't her best barb, and hardly a threat, but it got the point across. At least this way she'd discouraged half the team from dislodging any more of her things. She could fight, and CRDL deserved it, but she insisted on getting through without any trouble.


End file.
